


Desire Leads to Suffering

by Vitreous_Humor



Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, canon-typical idiocy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vitreous_Humor/pseuds/Vitreous_Humor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Klondike bar comes to Kabukichou, and the locals decide how they feel about free ice cream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desire Leads to Suffering

Why the hell was the sun so hot today? Che.

Gin tilted his head up and stared balefully at the sky. Between his arms spread across the back of the park bench and his legs sprawled out to take up maximum space, he made sure that no one would be sitting down next to him. Even an entire bench to himself didn't erase his irritation.

It was past noon, and Kagura still wasn't done playing with the local brats yet. Who knew where she was or what she was getting up to? She was probably making friends with some poor but honest person who was in trouble with this rebel group or that corporation and Gin knew exactly where that was going to lead. It would be one more person taking up space in his apartment, one more mouth eating up the scarce food, and one more set of grubby fingerprints all over his Jump.

“Oi, no loitering.”

Gin squinted at the man in the imposing Shinsengumi uniform, but he didn't bother to sit up.

“Aaaah, it's you, Hijikata-san. Why the hell couldn't you be a beautiful girl with a beautiful ice-cream cone, ready to take me away to the Land of Ice Cream?:

“What the hell are you talking about, you asshole? What kind of beautiful girl would give you ice cream?”

“Yap-yap-yap, you're so loud. You keep on being that loud, and the beautiful princess from the Land of Mayora will never come to take you away.”

“Who's taking me away? You goddamned vagrant punk...”

It might have gone on from there, but the fight in progress was interrupted by a smiling man in a pinstripe kimono and a cameraman.

“Would either of you like to be in a commercial?”

“Commercials are pandering to the weak-willed and those who have too much money,” Gin grumbled, staring up at the sky. “Get lost.”

“Well, sir, maybe you,” said the man, turning to Hijikata. “What would you do for a free Klondike bar?”

Free? Klondike bar?

Before Hijikata could tell the man that he was in uniform and that Shinsengumi members absolutely did not take bribes, a strong arm looped around his neck and he found himself pressed uncomfortably against a solid body that smelled like sugar and last night's booze-up.

“I'd kiss this guy,” Gin said, pointing at Hijikata's face for emphasis. “No tongue, though.”

The advertiser and the cameraman froze and Gin could feel the chance for free ice cream slipping away.

“Okay, with tongue.”

Somewhere, a bird chirped and a masochistic ninja fell from the sky.

“I'll put my hand in his pants. I won't touch anything though.”

They weren't biting and Gin started to feel a little desperate.

“Okay, I'll touch something, but I won't like it.”

* * * * * *

“Miss, what would you do for a Klondike bar?”

Otae considered, making that cute little pout that made Kyuubei's heart beat a little faster. They were shopping for groceries (dear Otae had promised to make her eggs that night) and they had been stopped by an advertiser with an ice cream product.

Kyuubei would have taken exception to a common film crew accosting a respectable young lady, but Otae didn't seem to mind.

“Klondike bar?” Otae asked dubiously. “Is that the chocolate-covered ice cream thing?”

“Yes, that's one.” The advertiser nodded enthusiastically. “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”

Otae frowned briefly and Kyuubei reached for her sword, determined to defend Otae's honor if Otae felt it needed defending. And if Otae would let her.

Otae clapped her hands, smiling happily.

“I would pay 89 yen,” she said.

The advertiser blinked. The cameraman was more blunt.

“Lady, a Klondike bar costs 200 yen.”

“I know.” Otae nodded. “The little shop down the way gets them from Amanto smugglers and they're cheaper there. Come along, Kyuubei-chan.”

Kyuubei picked up their shopping bags and followed along after Otae, shooting a cold look at the two men.

“You should be ashamed for trying to swindle a young girl like that. Do not try such a thing again in the presence of a samurai.”

* * * * *

“Okay, I'll touch something in his pants and I'll like it.”

* * * * *

“Excuse me sir, but what would you do for a Klondike bar?”

Kondo frowned and wondered where Toshi was. Toshi was so much better at handling things with cameras than he was, but without his faithful vice commander around, he supposed he would have to muck on through.

“I'm sorry,” he said kindly, “but I'm in uniform and as such, I cannot be seen taking things from citizens. Even small, innocent, delicious things.”

The advertiser and the cameraman politely smiled at his wide grin and thumbs-up gesture before turning away.

Kondo was just congratulating himself on a job well-done when the cameraman shook his head.

“Man, at least the girl with the ponytail actually wanted one.”

Girl? Ponytail? Otae? Goddess? Wanted?

“Wait, wait, come back!” he shouted, bearing down on them like a hairy freight train. “I'll do anything! Come back!”

Afterwards, it was poor Yamazaki's job to get Kondo out of the tree, but no one could do anything about the enormous Justaway that he had hauled up there with him. Kondo did get a Klondike bar, but his victory was soured by the fact that it was melted and that he couldn't remove all of the pink dye from his hair for some time.

* * * * *

“Che, what are you guys, perverts or something? I'll put it in my mouth.”

Hijikata was starting to twitch, and Gin glanced over at him before looking back at the advertisers. He could tell that they were hardliners but he figured there was still candy to be had here.

“I'll swallow.”

* * * * *

“What would you do for a Klondike ba—OW!”

Kagura finished the ice cream in two bites and made a face.

“Ewww yuck, what kinda crazy people put gold rings in their ice cream? I outta sue you!”

She spat out a crumpled piece of gold and threw it hard enough to break the camera's lens.

“Stupid kidnappers,” she said with contempt. “Gin-chan says you're supposed to give me candy. Come on, Sadaharu.”  
She rode her dog off with dignity, leaving the advertiser to mournfully pick up what was left of his wedding ring.

“That went better,” said that cameraman hopefully.

“Shut up. Just shut up.”

* * * * *

Somehow, Hijikata's fly was open and Gin had one hand down the vice-commander's pants, shaking his head ruefully.

“Hijikata, you're never going to get the free candy if you keep wearing your Kewpie boxer shorts.”

Gin turned back to the advertiser.

“Okay, okay, I know you're serious men and I'm a serious man too. Hijikata-san's not, but he has uke written all over him, so it doesn't matter.”

“Uke?” Hijikata's eye twitched.

“So bottom line. For that Klondike bar, I will take his pants down, take off his boxers, bend him over...”

“Oi.”

Hijikata's voice had enough glacial command and murder in it that even Gin fell silent.

“For a Klondike bar, I'll beat the shit out of this guy and dump him in a trashcan.”

The advertiser knew that he wasn't going to get a better deal out of this part of town.

“Done!”

* * * * *

Walking back to the Otose's Snack Shop carrying the ingredients for the evening meal, Shinpachi couldn't help thinking that he had missed something.

He walked past the park where the commander of the Shinsengumi was stuck in a tree and clinging to a giant Justaway. 

It was just one of those days, he supposed. Things happened and it seemed like they just passed him by.

He waved at Otae and Kyuubei, who were sharing some ice cream with Kagura.

Shinpachi realized that it was silly. He was a legitimate character, and things happened to him. Earlier that day, he had saved a young umbrella-maker from sacrificing her art career. She had been so grateful and promised that she wouldn't stop fighting for her dreams. He had even gotten to give a speech.

He nodded at the Shinsengumi vice-commander, who returned the nod courteously enough. The tower of mayonnaise that he was building on top of his ice cream was at least four inches tall and growing taller.

No, it was ridiculous. He had had a full day of excitement and now he was ready to sit down and make some dinner.

He was thinking about steamed vegetables and (a very small amount of) pork when he came around the corner and noticed a pair of very familiar boots sticking out of a trash can.

Gin's going to be upset that someone threw his boots away, Shinpachi thought, but then he noticed that the boots were still connected to Gin, who was bent double and wedged so far into the trashcan that his head was pushed against his knees.

“Gin-san? What happened?”

Some tugging got Gin out, but there was nothing to be done about the smell, so they started walking back to the snack shop.

“Just remember,” Gin said grimly, plucking a peach pit from his hair, “there are always going to be people out there who are willing to go too far for free candy.”


End file.
